Road Trip: The Joys of the Camper
by Sophie the Hobbit
Summary: The Fellowship on a road trip, in a camper! Crazziness involved in later chapters
1. Default Chapter

A/n: I really needed to write a humor, I hope its funny.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own a camper, anyone form LOTR, or Bob's big boy!  
  
Road Trip: The Joys of the "Camper"  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"I'm so bored!" Pippin moaned sitting at the kitchen table. His adorably tired head lay on his hands. He looked over at Legolas who was sitting across the table. The elf was sleeping, his head back and his mouth wide open.  
  
"I thought elves didn't sleep!" Pippin questioned to no one in particular.  
  
"They do if the trip is this boring." Merry muttered from under a blanket on the couch. Their camper wasn't exactly.....luxurious. It had three rooms; a small bathroom, a small bedroom with one queen size bed and the 1 large living area that had the kitchen. Dining room, living room, and down a step was the cab where the driver sat. The driver was, of course, Gandalf. How Gandalf gathered the whole fellowship, excluding Boromir, on a camping trip amazed each one of them.  
  
"I'm hungry!" Pippin groaned.  
  
"You're just hungry because you're bored!" Merry snapped. Pippin made a fake-about-to-cry look and Merry shook his head and hid under the blanket.  
  
"Come on boys!" Aragorn cheered. "This is going to be a fun, rugged, boy's night out!"  
  
"Its two months." Sam pointed out; he was sitting on an arm chair.  
  
"-boy's months out!" Aragorn corrected himself. He walked from the kitchen to the dining table, the matter if two steps, and sat across from Pippin.  
  
"This is brutal, isn't it?" Aragorn whispered. Pippin nodded and collapsed on the table. They had been driving for 8 straight hours, with nothing interesting to look at outside. Besides the boredom factor, Gandalf was acting, and driving like a madman.  
  
"YES!!" Gandalf screamed out of the blue, "Boys! We're stopping for lunch!"  
  
Out the window the fellowship could faintly see....the sign for Big Boy's Burgers.  
  
A/n: Sorry this chapter was short, I just wanted to get it going. Hope ya like it! 


	2. Bob's Big Boy

A/N: Uhm...hi?  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own LOTR, Bob's Big Boy, Large Marge, Roamy and Michelle's routine, any of Liz Phair of Dirty Vegas's songs.  
  
The Fellowship trudged into the highway rest stop. Pippin looked terrified. Truckers scared Pippin more than anything, and this place was trucker infested. He tightly clung to Merry's cloak and Merry practically dragged him to Bob's Big Boy. Gandalf stomped up to an orc that worked there.  
  
"3 burgers for each of us!" he shouted trying to sound as tough as he could. The orc didn't seem intimidated, just surprised and a bit irritated.  
  
"O.....Kay" the orc gave Gandalf a strange look and walked to the kitchen. The rest of The Fellowship shook their head, rolled their eyes, sighed, or did all three as they all tried to find a table. They finally found a booth....one booth. They all squeezed in, 4 on each side. Frodo was on the inside, his face pressed up to the wall. Pippin, sadly, was at the end, looking around with a horrified look on his face at all of the truckers. They were giving him cold stares.  
  
They ate their burgers in silence, mostly because there was no room to talk.  
  
Just as they finished their last bites, a large, unattractive looking trucker-woman walked over to their booth.  
  
"Hi" she grunted at Gandalf "want to dance?" before he could respond she grabbed his arm and led him to a corner of the room where there was a jukebox. A trucker kicked it and it started to play music.  
  
"Hey!" a hobbit girl (who shall not be named...) peered over the booth at Merry "Would you please, PLEASE, dance with me?"  
  
Merry hesitated and Gimli pushed him out of the booth. Sam and Frodo looked at each other and hopped put of the booth. Legolas shrugged and grabbed another unattractive woman out of her booth. Only Aragorn, Gimli, and Pippin were left.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The song "Days go by" by Dirty Vegas was playing. Samwise was....bringing it around town. Frodo, who was dancing with Sam, was trying to and failing to moonwalk. Legolas and the woman were dancing seductively, which was a gross sight to see. Gandalf was struggling not to dance while his partner pulled at his arms.  
  
"What's your name?" he asked  
  
"People just call me Large Marge." She answered  
  
"Oh" Gandalf replied, he was very confused.  
  
Aragorn and Gimli gave up trying to look normal and went onto the dance floor. They did a routine, (A/N: see the movie Roamy and Michelle's High School Reunion, when they dance in the night club.)  
  
The song ended and Liz Phair's song "Why Can't I?" came on.  
  
Merry was dancing with the hobbit-lass, and they weren't anything too noticeable.  
  
"You're a good dancer." He told her.  
  
"Thanks, so are you."  
  
She smiled and Merry looked around trying to find a way out. He saw Pippin at the booth, Pippin smiled and waved.  
  
"How cute they look..." Pippin thought  
  
"What an idiot." Merry thought, but he couldn't deny, dancing with this girl was fun.  
  
"What are you doing?" Merry asked her, which was a stupid question because he knew full well that she was spinning him around.  
  
"My uncle told me once that if you spin someone around 15 times, when you let them go they would have fallen in love with you."  
  
"Oh." He highly doubted that.  
  
After a few more whirls she stopped him and Merry balanced out and suddenly puked all over. 


	3. Slooooooooooow Moooooooootiooooooonnnnn!

A/N: This chapter is crazy! Take my advice and never ever write a chase scene while listening to the Offspring!  
  
Disclaimer: Me. LOTR. Don't own. Capice?  
  
The hobbit girl screamed.  
  
"Whoops?" Merry moaned questioningly. He sat back down at the booth with everyone else. The hobbit lass ran into the restroom crying. Legolas had dropped his dancing partner, and Gandalf had finally escaped from his. Gimli, Aragorn, and Frodo had tired out, and Sam, being so worn out, almost threw his back out. Gandalf was going through his wallet. He looked up at his little admirers. He had a worried look on.  
  
"What did you do?" Aragorn asked angrily.  
  
"Does anyone have......" Gandalf ignored him looking at the receipt, "35 bucks I can borrow?"  
  
Everyone shook their head.  
  
"We're broke." Pippin whispered.  
  
"Uh oh" Gandalf gulped, his Adam's apple lowering and then rising slowly.  
  
They all simultaneously looked at the orc by the door.  
  
"3-2-1" Gandalf counted down and the fellowship dashed to the door without paying.  
  
The orc stood there waving his arms in surrender, seeing the crowd sprinting towards him. The all plowed through him, turned at the door and slid a few feet on the tile. They then all ran to the RV. Gandalf reached there first and quickly opened the door, followed by Legolas, Aragorn, Merry, Frodo, Sam, and Gimli. But where was Pippin?  
  
"AHHHHH, HELP!!" Screamed the youngest hobbit from the doorway to the rest area. A trucker had him. He was trying to scramble free, but the heavy trucker had a tight clasp on the small being. Gimli jumped back out of the RV and ran to Pip's aid. Somehow in slow motion he reached halfway across the huge parking lot in a matter of a few long, slow steps.  
  
Still in slow motion Gimli grabbed the hobbit out of the hauler's arms and he ran back, holding Pippin like a football. Gimli looked back and saw the young orc host aiming something at the pair. It was.....it was....a....a...RUBBERBAND!!!  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Gimli screamed (still in slow motion) as the rubber band hit his back and he went flying into the pavement. Pippin flung from his arms to the arms of Merry, whose hand was outstretched out of the camper. Merry held Pippin, who was clinging to his shirt and flung him into the "living room". Gimli had managed to rise and stumbled to the RV. He almost made it but fell and hit his chin on the step ladder. His head bounced back because he was the only one still in slow motion and he hopped up and into the back of the camper.  
  
Gandalf put the key into the ignition and started to take off but there was a banging on the back door/window. It was the hobbit lass from inside.  
  
"Merry! Please don't leave! I love you!" She hung onto the door. Merry looked at her in disbelief.  
  
"Flour it!" he shouted and the RV took off thrusting the girl off the back of the camper and left in the parking lot.  
  
"Call me?" she asked but no one heard her. 


	4. Flea Market

A/N: Wow this took me like 2 weeks to write. I had the whole idea in my head but typing it took FOREVER!! I hope you like it because I'm leaving for sea camp in Florida and I'll be gone for three weeks, then I'm leaving for Virginia. I'll try to write more chapters in notebooks but I won't be able to put it up probably till September!  
  
Pippin awoke as the bus abruptly halted. He stared out the window. It was all dust, but after it settled he could see many people and stands everywhere.  
  
"Where are we?" a very confused Pippin asked Gandalf.  
  
"We're at a flea market!" Aragorn answered ecstatically. Legolas rolled his eyes.  
  
"Flea markets are dirty." Legolas scoffed. Pippin's wrinkled his brow. He looked out the window.  
  
"Dirty?" he thought.  
  
Soon The Fellowship had moped their way out of the RV. Legolas' eyes widened and he took an inhaler out of his pocket and took a deep puff.  
  
"OOOOOOOH!!! Sausage and peppers!" Gimli cheered and he ran on the very long line for the sausage and pepper stand. Aragorn who was still very excited skipped away to some random aisle.  
  
"What's over there?" Sam asks Gandalf timidly pointing to rows of very old things.  
  
"Those are antiques, Sam." Gandalf told the chubby hobbit "Here, I'll show you." And he took an intrigued Sam to a bunch of old furniture.  
  
The remaining hobbits decided to walk to someplace far off that seemed very colorful. When they got close enough Frodo gasped.  
  
"BEANIE BABIES!!!" he shrieked.  
  
"What?" Pippin asked his cousin as he clinged to his shirt.  
  
"Beanie Babies!" he said again and ran and dove into a pile of brightly colored beanie babies. Pippin edged closer and closer wearily until he caught sight of the red monkey Beanie Baby called "Schweetheart". His heart melted and he jumped into the pile, too. Merry shook his head and walked to the next stand that GASP had Yu Gi Oh cards. He picked up a pack and closely examined the cards.  
  
"Hmmm, excuse me sir." He called to the middle aged Japanese man who worked behind the stand.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"These are not original!" he exclaimed angrily  
  
"Two dollars." The Japanese man replied  
  
"I'm not buying these! These are fake!" Merry cried  
  
"Two dollars"  
  
"NO! I'm not buying them, they are bootleg! Fake! Rip offs!"  
  
"Two dollars"  
  
Merry sighed and slapped his head, "Do you speak English?"  
  
"Two dollars"  
  
"These.....are.....rip....offs....." Merry tried to explain slowly.  
  
"Two dollars"  
  
Merry reached over the table and grabbed the collar of the Japanese gentleman and pulled him over the table, "Listen to me now, and listen to me good, these are not real Yu Gi Oh cards and I refuse to buy these and I'm going to report you to the authorities!!"  
  
"Two dollars?" the very frightened oriental man asked. Merry snapped and started to beat the man who crawled into a ball. Soon, a policeman broke the two up.  
  
"Now what's the deal here?" the man asked the two.  
  
"He's trying to sell me fake Yu Gi Oh cards!" Merry yelled. The policeman laughed and looked at the Japanese man.  
  
"I don't know he just came up to me and started beating me!" the man told the officer. Merry looked at him in disbelief, "You speak English?!" The man didn't answer him and the officer led the young hobbit away into the inside office where his office was.  
  
"It smells like cheese in here!" Merry screamed as he shielded his eyes from the dirt, grime, and dust that hit his eyes as he walked in. The officer made him sit in his office for the rest of the day.  
  
Meanwhile: Pippin and Frodo were still in the Beanie Baby Utopia. They suddenly floated and all around them was all wavy and multicolored and they started to dance with wide hypnotized eyes.  
  
"HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY....ETC."  
  
This went on for a very long time  
  
"Hey Gandalf! What are you looking at?" Sam asked the old wizard.  
  
"Uhm....."  
  
Sam grabbed the book out of Gandalf's hand and looked at the cover.  
  
Middle Earth High School Yearbook  
  
"Oh my! Gandalf, this is from the year"  
  
The elderly wizard clamped his hand over the hobbit's mouth, "Let's keep that year a secret!"  
  
Samwise nodded and his mouth was let free. He opened the yearbook and instantly found Gandalf and Elrond's senior year photo! Innocent Samwise couldn't help but to bust into laughter because of their seventies look. Even Bilbo!  
  
"Hey, Gandalf, isn't this the trucker-lady you were dancing with the other day?" he pointed to a picture of a large unattractive woman bearing the name "Margaret Jonesybones".  
  
"Jonesybones? Wow! It looks just like her and she did go by Large Marge I think, but....."  
  
Samwise looked up at the wizard's terrified face. "But what Gandalf?"  
  
"She died 12 years ago....."  
  
::::::::: Twilight Zone Music:::::::::  
  
Back to Frodo and Pippin:  
  
"HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY...ETC"  
  
Legolas hesitantly walked through occasionally stopping at a stand or two. He carefully peered into a small box on the ground as he walked by, nose up and hands resting behind his back. Suddenly, WHACK! Aragorn came running up and knocking Legolas into a huge pile of used, dirty clothing on sale. Aragorn rummaged violently through a box of garments.  
  
"Ah! Here! A new pair of pants and in good condition too!" He looked over at Legolas who was looking at him in disbelief; the pants were stained and haggard.  
  
"Isn't this fun?!" He asked the elf.  
  
"Human..." Legolas shook his head as Aragorn picked out a new wardrobe. Leggy looked up and saw a huge spider inching his way down, very near his hair. He spazzed and ran out of the pile of clothing he was buried in, his arms and legs flailed wildly. So much for being graceful. Aragorn spotted the spider, snapped it out of the air and threw it in his mouth.  
  
"Mmmm, good!" he told Legolas. His friend stared in disbelief, chin dropped, and he passed out.  
  
Meanwhile Meriadoc was slumped over a small desk in the Lost Children Room. He listened as the door was unlocked and two pairs of footsteps entered.  
  
"Got you a friend here." The cop stated, he looked like he jumped right of a Reno show. Merry turned around and the cop threw a small hobbit into the room. Merry gasped and fell out of his chair. It was that damned girl from Big Boys! He ran to the door and clawed it, begging the officer not to leave them alone together, but the policeman ignored him and slammed the door and locked it. Merry sat with his back against the hard metal door and looked at the hobbit now sitting at the desk.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed and tried to tear his way through the door. She slowly walked over to him and kneeled next to him. She placed her hand in her purse and pulled out a shot. She stuck it in his arm and ejected him with the fluid. His screaming slowly came to a halt, and he relaxed. She sat next to him, and began a long, mindless, jabber.  
  
"Oh valor, Oh Valor! How do I make her stop?!" he thought to himself. Abruptly, a small devil hobbit and a small angel hobbit appeared on his shoulders.  
  
"Maybe if you hit her...." The devil whispered to Merry.  
  
"NO! No! You do not hit a girl!" The angel shouted.  
  
"Hmmmm...." The devil pondered. "Kiss her!"  
  
"What?!" Merry screamed silently so that the girl didn't hear.  
  
"Just think" the devil tried to persuade him "You get action and you get that broad to shut up!"  
  
"Maybe you should hit her!" the angel begged.  
  
Merry looked at the conscious and looked over at the girl. He sighed and leaned over and smashed his mouth against hers. The devil snickered and the angel slapped his head and they both disappeared in a cloud of smoke. (A/N: WTF was in that shot? LOL) Of course the girl didn't push him away and they both found a way to kill the monotony.  
  
Gimli was stuck on the line for the sausage and peppers still. He was doing anything interesting so let's skip his point of view, but I will tell you he DID make friends with the lady behind him in line. She had large press on nails, Black stirrup pants, platinum blonde hair in a beehive 'do, a pink sweater, a stonewashed denim jacket and cowboy boots. She was the prettiest girl in her whole development.  
  
"So, Samwise, are you done?" the White Wizard asked. He looked down at Sam who was overloaded with antiques that Samwise just had to have.  
  
"Yes sir" he said trying to see the tall wizard over the load of junk he was carrying.  
  
"Good. Let's go find the others"  
  
"HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY....."  
  
KLUNK  
  
"Where are we......?"  
  
"You fools! Let's go!" Gandalf snapped and pulled the two youngest hobbits out of the Beanie Babies box with only time for them to grab one baby each.  
  
Merry and the hobbit girl sat next to each other again.  
  
"Oh and we can live in Buckland with all of our little hobbit children and we'll live happily ever after!!!" she jabbered.  
  
"What's your name anyway?" He asked her even though he obviously despised her.  
  
"Mary Sue"  
  
"Ahhh," Merry whispered, he seemed to understand now.  
  
The door opened and the officer came in with Gandalf.  
  
"Yes, he's my son." Gandalf told the man.  
  
"What about the girl?" the security guard asked the wizard. Gandalf looked at Merry. He was behind Mary Sue and the security guard and waving his arms, clearly mouthing "NO". Gandalf smiled evilly and nodded.  
  
"Yes she's mine"  
  
The hobbit lass squealed and hugged Merry. "Now we can be together FOREVER!!"  
  
Gandalf walked out of the security office and walked across the hall to the infirmary. There he checked out Legolas. They all walked outside again. The sausage and pepper vendor was right outside.  
  
"Hey Gandalf!" Gimli shouted. He finally had his sausage and peppers. He tried to jump up and give Gandalf a high five but the sausage fell out of the bun along with all of the peppers onto the ground.  
  
"No!!!" Gimli cried and tried to jump back on line.  
  
"Come on, Gimli, its time to leave." Gandalf said solemnly as he placed his hand on the dwarf's shoulder. They finally got Gimli into the Camper and they pulled off.  
  
Somewhere in the flea market, Aragorn was searching through clothes; his head fully emerged in a rack (Of clothing!! Don't go there!) He sensed something and he looked around, his ears twitching as he sniffed the air. He suddenly took all of his clothing and ran for the exit.  
  
"Guys! Guys! Wait for me!" he screamed as he ran after the RV.  
  
"Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?" Gandalf wondered out loud.  
  
"We didn't pay for anything" Merry pointed out with the screwdriver as he put new batteries in Mary Sue's hair dryer. The new rule was that since she liked him, she was his responsibility.  
  
"No, not that..." Gandalf answered.  
  
"Aragorn!!!!" They all screamed simultaneously and the bus abruptly came to a halt. Aragorn, who was running as fast as he could, slammed into the back of the RV. The door opened and he ran inside. 


End file.
